Thursday, January 30, 2014

New Year New Perspective: Patience and Preparation

Earlier this year I shared my desire to evolve and protect my perspective in the blog post entitled “New Year New Perspective”.  Since sharing that blog I have been challenging myself to truly live up to the principles discussed and view all of my experiences as preparation for fulfilling my purpose and to be patient and understanding with myself throughout the process.  Like many people I know who are striving for more in life (no matter what more is) I sometimes find myself frustrated and overwhelmed by the interpretations that “things aren't happening fast enough” or “I am working so hard and nothing seems to be going as I planned” not taking into consideration that the frustration and overwhelming feelings that I am experiencing serve as groomers for two tools that will be essential for my journey.

Patience is defined as the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

We currently live in a society where everything is instantaneous. We have become so accustomed to at the click of a mouse being able to order a pizza, buy a new pair of shoes and even date.  Social media powerhouses such as Instagram, Snap Chat and Twitter have capitalized on our lack of patience by constraining the critical thinking required from users by flooding us with images and limiting the number of words that can be used to communicate contributing to a society that has no concept of or value for patience and the process of just being.

Preparation is defined as the action or process of making something ready for use or service or getting ready for some occasion, test, or duty

When things are not happening our way and our way right now we can be tempted to experience the all familiar feelings of overwhelming frustration, anxiety, worry and fear that things just won’t happen at all.  In the past weeks I have slightly altered my perspective and chosen to view moments of quiet, unexpected change of plans, cancellations and other circumstances which I have in the past viewed as disappointments or failures as opportunities to reflect and become better prepared.  To be honest not all of the frustration and anxieties have faded completely BUT I have learned that by having a more positive perspective, spending more time and energy reflecting and preparing and exercising more patience I feel better and am able to operate more efficiently and effectively.   I encourage each of you to please take the time to reflect and prepare.  When things are not going as planned and in moments of frustration practice patience and trust that things may not work out exactly how you thought or would like but THEY WILL WORK OUT.  I look forward to reading your comments about the positivity you experience from a change in perspective. 


“Build the track and the train will come, without the track the train has no place to come”


© Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Open Discussion Part One: The African American Community & The Back Door Approach to Death

“Baby, you can’t really live until you’re ready to die”.   These words will ring true for the rest of my life.  These words were spoken by my Narnie (maternal grandmother) during one of our many telephone conversations in which she proudly announced that she had recently gathered all of her paper work and personal information and made them easily accessible for us (her children and grandchildren)  in the event of her death.  Even as someone who faces death on a daily basis the thought of my Narnie (or anyone else that I love) not being here sends cold chills through my body but after hanging up and reflecting on our discussion I found myself overcome with a sense of calm and peace. 

While reflecting I realized what a gift she had put in place for us.  Not only had she taken the time to contemplate and make peace with her mortality; she took things a step further and invested the time and energy to gather all necessary documents related to her finances and personal affairs.  She took into consideration the natural grief that we are sure to face upon her departure and in her own way put forth the effort to soften deaths painful blow by giving us one less thing to worry about during our time of bereavement.  What could be more valuable at such a time than peace of mind?

It wasn't long before the feeling of gratefulness for Narnie’s forethought was overshadowed by a feeling of sadness and concern for the African American community as a whole.  Though there are many people like Narnie who have taken the responsibility of preplanning, prefunding and preparing for their end of life and funeral/burial needs the ugly truth is that as a whole we as a people have taken what I refer to as the “back door approach” to death and dying.  Unless we are faced with the need for the services provided by funeral service and burial establishments most of us have not realized the value and importance of making preneed investments (preneed refers to prefunding or preplanning for funeralization and burial).  For whatever reasons we are making the choice of meeting death at the back end of the spectrum as opposed to facing its reality and making the necessary provisions. Provisions that can literally create financial life or death for the loved ones that are left behind.

Is it a coincidence that advertisers specifically target the African American community to use their purchasing power to consume products and services such as fast food, alcohol, prescription medication, vehicles, clothing /apparel, sports /recreation and entertainment BUT when it comes to investing in and making preparation for end of life and death care services or products which secure financial stability for our families in the event of a death our community seems to have been omitted?  Or is it that we as a community have yet to realize the benefit and value in preparing for the inevitable?

Over the years I have sat in cemetery conference rooms with numerous families as they struggled to locate essential documents necessary for funeralization and burial. I have seen families torn apart and literally fighting at a time when they need each other the most. I have heard countless horror stories of families who are faced with the turmoil that comes along with coping with the loss of a loved one but also with the unnecessarily stressful embarrassment of having to admit to complete strangers (in most cases) that they have no financial means of laying their loved one to rest and are completely reliant on the mercy of churches, friends and funeral service providers to commemorate the life of their dearly departed.  Unfortunately, African Americans are affected the most in these circumstances more than any other demographic.

It is my belief that communication is the key to solving any problem no matter how small or how large.  It is my prayer that by initiating an open dialect about the importance of preplanning, prefunding and preparing families will be encouraged to do whatever they can to leave each other with as much peace of mind and security as possible.  To learn more about starting the conversation with your family and receive FREE information, resources and educational materials about preplanning please feel free to comment or email us at thegravewoman@gmail.com

Baby, you can’t really live until you’re ready to die.
-Narnie


© Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

Green As Can Be ...Parts 1,2 and 3

This past weekend I was given the privilege of performing my first removal and transport.  A removal is the process of removing the body of the deceased from the place of death.  Depending on the circumstances surrounding the cause of death in combination with the laws and regulations of any given jurisdiction a removal can take place anywhere.  A transport is the term used to describe the moving of the deceased from one place to another.  In these particular circumstances the removal took place at a hospice care facility and the transport performed required the deceased to be moved from a funeral home to the Georgia Buera of Investigation Medical Examiner’s Office.

I am sharing these experiences in part as an effort to shed light on aspects of the funeral service profession that are not openly discussed and in part to provide myself with a creative outlet.  These experiences have shed new light on my perspective and I pray that someone somewhere can draw from them and possibly learn, grow and share their experiences stimulating an open conversation about death and dying.  

The names of the individuals involved (both living and deceased) have been changed to protect the privacy of the family of the deceased and the integrity of the funeral service establishments involved.

Green as Can Be
Part 1: The Funeral Home
Saturday, January 4, 2014
11:00 am

I went to the funeral home hoping to get my apprenticeship paper work signed and hopefully get in on some action that the day had to offer while still leaving in enough time to get a bite to eat with my sweetheart.  Little did I know that I would be getting much more than I had bargained for and leave with a new way of looking at life and the world around me.  As I got out of my car I heard a voice from above (the second floor of the funeral home) greet me and let me know that my preceptor would be returning soon and instructing me to have a seat in the “back room”.  As I sat there waiting and flicking through the channels on the television I heard a man’s voice clearly call my name.  I politely picked up my bag and headed for the nearest exit when it dawned on me that Mr. Rogan (the voice from above) must have been calling me on the intercom.  “Yes” I calmly answered, trying to sound as unfreaked as I possibly could.  “Have you eaten breakfast?” he asked after calling my name several times.  “Yes sir” I answered.

After about 20 minutes of useless channel surfing, thumbing through my phone and trying to “play it cool” Mr. Willis finally arrived with 2 breakfast platters.  We greeted each other warmly and exchanged happy New Year’s followed by catching up while he ate.  In common funeral home fashion the telephone rang just as his food seemed to be at it best.   As he spoke with the caller on the other end of the line I watched him fumble through paper work and quickly yet neatly jot down information that indicated that he was taking a first call (a first call is the term used to describe the initial call made to the funeral home).  Then came the words that I dreadfully had been hoping to hear… “I will be there in 30 minutes”.  No sooner than he hung up the phone did I blurt out “Can I come”. “Sure”, he said “let me run upstairs and then I’ll be ready.  Be sure to bundle up, it’s cold out there.” I went to the bathroom and looked myself over in the mirror several times before teasing my hair and thinking to myself “it’s go time”.  As I waited for Mr. Willis to come back down stairs I took the opportunity to heed his advice.  As I buttoned the last button of my green winter coat he emerged.  “Is this jacket too bright Mr. Willis?” I asked.  “No, it’s perfect” he replied.


Green as Can Be
Part 2: The Removal
Saturday, January 4, 2014
1:00 pm

The words pickup and delivery will never read the same to me again.  As we pulled up to the hospice “pickup” area it hit me that there could only be a very short list of possibilities for a one to be picking up and that we were there to pick up the most precious of cargo.  As we exited the van and began to remove our equipment I reluctantly and nervously confessed “I have no idea what I am doing”.  Mr. Willis nodded and instructed me to just observe him.  While we waited for the security guard to greet us at the back entrance I did my best to compose myself.  When he finally arrived the security guard looked at me as if he was surprised to see me there but politely escorted us to the 1st floor where the body was waiting.  Immediately after exiting the elevator my eyes locked in on a tall gentleman standing in the hall talking on his cell phone.  I felt my stomach drop to my knees as I realized that he was a family member of the deceased.  For some reason I had not taken into consideration that loved ones would be present.  Everything that I had read in school about how to perform a removal and communicate with a family went completely out of the window.  I was barely able to mummer a hello. 

Mr. Willis however introduced himself confidently and sprung into action.  After signing the necessary documents presented to him by the nursing staff he handed me his hat and instructed me to wait in the hall.  I curiously watched as he entered the room where the rest of the family and the deceased were waiting.  I noticed a woman sitting in a reclining chair next to the bed, a younger man standing by the bed and the tall gentleman from the hall standing against the wall.  As Mr. Willis pushed the cart in and closed the door behind him I wondered how he managed to keep his composure and maneuver through his duties so undeterred by the emotionally charged energy surrounding the situation while remaining so tactful, professional and in control yet lacking apathy and arrogance.  As the door opened I expected Mr. Willis to come out but instead it was the woman who had been sitting in the chair.  I felt a lump in the back of my throat develop as my mind raced to think of something to say.  I slightly nodded my head and gave a slight smile while thinking to myself “man that was rude”, immediately I replied to myself “what am I supposed to say good morning?  Sorry for the loss of your loved one? What can I do to help?” Anything would have been better than silence. Dead, lonely, empty silence. 

We both stood in the hall avoiding eye contact, me because I was afraid that I had failed in some way by not being able to come up with something clever to say and her because I am sure that she did not want a stranger to see her tired, bloodshot, tear stained eyes.  The door opened for a second time as Mr. Willis signaled me to begin walking towards the elevator.  The family followed close behind.  As we exited the building and returned to the van my heart broke for the family.  “How painfully awful this must be for them to do this” I thought and then it hit me… Thank God for Mr. Willis, In the midst of their darkness he is a light.  As we secured the body and closed the van door the woman from the chair said to me “You coat is beautiful”.


Green as Can Be
Part 3: The Transport
Saturday, January 4, 2014
2:00 pm

As we pulled away from the hospice care facility I felt my body relax and realized that my mind was racing.  Not only had I just gone on my first removal but more terrifyingly surprising the world around me was still going on without a clue, like nothing had happened.  Lenox Rd was as busy as could be and there was no collective moment of silence for the spirit that just left this space in time and no grand display of sympathy or concern for the family whose world had been forced to change forever.

“Life Goes On”

As we got off of the highway and approached the funeral home Mr. Willis’s phone rang.  “I’m on my way” he said as he made an illegal u-turn and headed back towards 75 south.  We rode for what seemed like forever before reaching our destination.  As we pulled around to the fleet parking area of the funeral home Mr. Willis informed me that the owner of the funeral home where we would be making our next removal for transport was the Coroner for this particular county and that he had been appointed Deputy.  Because of this he possesses the right to visit crime scenes along with law enforcement and in some cases determine the cause of death and take custody of remains that are under investigation. (The theme song of “In the Heat of the Night” immediately began to play in the back of my mind).  “Okay Virgil” I responded. 

“Hi, I am Joe’l Anthony”.  I said introducing myself to Mr. Newell Jr. (aka Bubba) while walking into the prep area.  (The prep room/ area is where the deceased are bathed, embalmed, groomed, dressed, cosmetized and casketed prior to being put on display for viewing).  As I looked at the body through the bag it struck me that this woman had gotten up and gotten dressed this morning the same way that I did.  She combed her hair, put on her clothes and indented on carrying out her Saturday as normal.  Little did she know that today was the day she would end up here.  As I watched Mr. Willis and Mr. Newell secure her body neatly in place I found myself asking her questions in my mind.  “Did you tell those that you love how much they mean to you when you last spoke?  Did you hug someone today and say I love you?  Were you angry with anyone when you took your last breath?  Did you have any idea that you would die today? Who did this to you and why?” 

My mind raced with excitement when I realized that we had arrived at the infamous Georgia Bureau of Investigation Medical Examiner’s Office.  I had heard tell of its splendor and magnificence and imagined on many occasions what it was like but to actually be here was more than a dream come true.  We took the woman’s body from the back of our van and placed her on the scale as Mr. Willis introduced me Janet, the morgue attendant.  After we signed over the body Mr. Willis directed me to the bathroom to wash my hands.  When I came out of the bathroom my eyes were immediately drawn to the freezer area.  I had never seen so many dead bodies in one place at one time.  Row after row of bodies neatly lined up and waiting to be autopsied.   “Wow, all of these lives are over.  All of their families changed forever” I thought as we prepared to leave.  As we walked towards the exit Janet called out, “I love your coat; it’s such a pretty green.”  “Almost as green as she is” Mr. Willis replied as he patted me on the shoulder and said “good job today, you’re going to make a great funeral director”.  

© Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy New Year and New Perspective

Good Morning, Happy New Year and welcome to 2014.    Traditionally, the new year is celebrated as a time to "gain a fresh start" leaving behind the mistakes and challenges of the past year while looking ahead with optimism and excitement for the year ahead.  We all can stand to either loose a few pounds, have more money in the bank or break a bad habit just to name a few but can any of us truly commit to making those changes if we don't realize and appreciate why we desire to change and what it is that we are truly seeking in the first place?  These changes can and will have a positive affect on our lives but even after we make these changes what long lasting affect will they have if we still are not happy at a smaller size, with more money and a fashionable halo to model?

In the past I have found that it so easy to list resolutions and make promises to myself in moments of excitement but shortly after the thrill of my thoughts have left so has my motivation.  In an effort break free of this cycle and keep myself motivated I have committed to a change of perspective and a new value system.  I have decided not make promises to myself that I won't keep and not to create unnecessary pressure by listing the things that I won't do any more but instead I have decided to focus on the value of perspective and the rewards and benefits of life.

Every second, of every minute, of every day presents new opportunities, challenges, and experiences that we have yet to encounter.  A positive perspective that recognizes the value of life and serves as an anchor for true love, joy, peace and happiness.  May this year bring you the best perspective possible and provide new value.  


© Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Joe'l Anthony and The Grave Woman with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.